


can't say goodbye, be here with me

by shamelessllamapeanutthing



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga), Given (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Eiji listens to fuyu no hanashi, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mafuyu Satou - Freeform, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Okumura Eiji-centric, given (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:22:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26359393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shamelessllamapeanutthing/pseuds/shamelessllamapeanutthing
Summary: IFrom hc posted on Tumblr- Imagine an AU: Eiji is back in Japan, working as a photojournalist when he gets asked to fill in for a coworker on leave and cover the live concert of some band called GIVEN. He doesn't go in expecting much, except for when the bassist announces the band will be performing their first ever song, Fuyu No Hanashi.Then, he breaks.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 12
Kudos: 101





	can't say goodbye, be here with me

The strobe lights and blinding neon LEDs were a gaudy touch to the otherwise pleasantly olde concert studio and their harsh glare stuck out to Eiji like a flailing extra limb on an otherwise appealing person. It was pretty obvious that they were a recent addition, and a tasteless one in his opinion, but who was he to comment? It’s not like he’d ever liked parties or concerts and the clearly habitual-to-the-same crowd around him seemed unfazed.

The emcee took the stage as the singer that had just finished his mind-numbingly boring pop piece with whimsical lyrics that had no heads or tails exited into the wings, and Eiji held up a finger to Shinji, the partner of the woman Eiji was covering for today, to indicate he was going to take two. The man nodded, and his wildly vibrant green braid swung behind him. Eiji bit back a wince and wondered who in the world could see the appeal in hair as eccentric a colour as that.

If his brain threw Shorter’s handsome profile at him, then he’d had years to learn to swallow the jolt of pain those flashbacks brought with them. He barely flinched and threaded his way through the crowd and to the less-crowded bar.

There, he rested his camera on the bartop and pulled his hair out of its ponytail, bunching it up into a man bun. He drew out his handkerchief and wiped the back of his neck with it, then took off his glasses and patted the bridge of his nose dry, before replacing them. Idly, he clicked a couple more shots of the emcee, a chuckle or two falling past his lips at her witty commentary before she finally moved on to announce the next band to come.

_Given_

He thought that was a weird name, in the sense that it wasn’t even strikingly quirky. It was probably the last word he’d think to name a band, so inane, so abrupt. Eiji watched as the four members filed on to the stage, the oldest barely looking older than a college-goer and scoffed. That was probably why, who even knew what went through teenagers’ minds.

Eiji strayed closer to the stage, where other photojournalists were crowding around, hoping to catch a shot or two of them setting up their equipment, as well as one of them right before they began. He already knew that angle was unflattering given the way the stage was cornered in instead of jutting out, but his boss liked options, and Eiji liked bonuses.

He didn’t pay much attention to whatever the attractive-looking bassist was saying. That was Shinji’s job, taking note of details and compiling articles. He was here to click pictures. He vaguely heard words like ‘first’ ‘lyrical’ et cetera as he took up position in a nook beside the bar that he hadn’t tried out before, instead of merging with the ring of photojournalists packed tight right near the stage. That place was no good anyway.

The composition was amazing, Eiji could admit that to himself within the first few seconds of the powerful beat snaking its way up through the soles of his shoes and bursting inside his chest in a flurry of loud notes that somehow didn’t make him want to bash his head in. The tempo climbed and Eiji found it difficult to keep from bobbing his head to the beat and messing up his shots. His foot, however, tapped rapidly against the floor of the hall. His brows shot up, there hadn’t been one band or artist before that he had enjoyed, after all.

The beat descended again, fading fast into a moment of mellow background bass before a voice, so soft in contrast with the heavy guitar and drums that Eiji would have written the singer off as a classical artist, fell in tune with the music.

_Just like the shade of snow that hasn’t completely melted…_

Eiji’s lips fell open in a low exhale and his eyes lifted from the viewfinder, searching for a face to go with the powerful, yet _angelic_ voice.

_I keep living with these feelings inside of me..._

_Hey, with what words should I close the door on this love?_

After so many years of battling a grief so profound it has settled into his very bones, he still can’t predict when it will rise and lash against the confines of his heart, well up in his throat and make his surroundings melt into sunflowers and jade green eyes.

After so many years that Ibe joked they won’t be able to remember how Ash looked if it wasn’t for pictures they kept of him, after so many years that Eiji thought he agreed, he still couldn’t stop the trembling of his fingers and lips whenever he thought of Ash.

_Your everything has lost its tomorrow and now is wandering around eternally_

_Along with me, who was unable to say goodbye or move on._

The thing was, nobody told Eiji how momentary recollection is, how seconds are all he’d get to revel in the ghost of Ash’s arms around him that one night, or the memory of how adorable he looked when he pouted, or the rush of fondness inside him when he is taken back to the day he first learned of Ash’s _complicated_ relationship with pumpkins…

Nobody told him he couldn’t revisit those memories and keep them beside him forever, that he only gets a fleeting few moments with them before the grief rushes in, the consuming realisation that it’s all _gone, gone, gone and won’t ever come back._ The pain that arrives next is muted, he is deprived of the barest comfort of sensation, even. Like his existence in itself is the knowledge of loss. Like there was no life taken, none spared and all these years were just a mocking, ever-present reminder of everything that no longer was.

That pain hung off Eiji’s limbs and brought his arms crashing to his sides. His fingers gripped at the camera slipping past, instinctive and mindless. 

_Just like a spell that still won't break_

_Or some kind of curse_

_I'm still holding on to some heavy baggage_

_Hey, what kind of tomorrow_

_Am I supposed to look for in this town?_

The vocalist crooned and there was something palpable about the hurt in his voice, a melancholy running so deep Eiji could feel it pooling in his gut. He smiled, a bitter, _hateful_ thing dripping with envy.

He envied the boy on stage his ability to scream out his pain. It was something Eiji wished he could do when the rushing in his chest got too powerful to face, when Ash's absence grew claws and _tightened_ them around Eiji’s throat, when the grief was so loud Eiji thought he would never hear anything again.

… but Eiji wished for a lot of things, and he had learned to never receive any and move on.

He wondered what the vocalist wished for. Maybe of his band making it big? Of finding another love?

Of his voice reaching the one he so longed to speak to again?

The tears dripping down his cheeks were shamefully unprofessional and so was the heaviness refusing to let him lift his arms and do his job. After so many years though, he had learned to let the grief wash over him, suppressing it made it leak out with fumbled footsteps and shivering hands and trembling lips and nights spent at the bar and screaming so loud at the sky that he made himself faint. 

The song ended and he clicked no more pictures. Shinji found him still glued to that same corner, eyes staring vacantly at the stage, unmindful of the faded sound and the emcee that had replaced the four bandmates. If Shinji noticed the tear tracks on his face, he remained silent and bought Eiji a beer, tactful and compassionate as the purple-haired man he reminded Eiji of.

Smiling, Eiji accepted the drink and tightened his hold around his camera, biting back the flood of confessions rising to his lips. His heart ached, and reminded him of how an eternity ago, an eternity away, there was another man who towered over him and bought him food and listened to him. He dug his nails into his palms, though and hid his grimace behind the can of beer.

The crowds roared around them, excited about the arrival of the next set the name of which he had missed. Eiji took a deep breath, and drained his can in a few thirsty gulps.

He still had a job to finish, after all. When he got home, then he could break.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment and let me know what you thought.
> 
> Come scream at me about Banana Fish or GIVEN on [Tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/shamelessllamapeanutthing)


End file.
